The day my son was born twelve years ago a number of new lives began.
The one in which he existed in the world. The one where we became parents. The one where I could never unhear the raw pain in my then husband’s voice on learning the news that his father had passed away very suddenly, not twenty minutes after the birth of his first grandson.
Where I’d expected a time of ‘Oh isn’t he lovely,’ and ‘Ooh aren’t you so clever to have such a wonderful baby?’ and lots of love and support and guidance in surviving those brutally hard first days, instead I found myself trying desperately to hold myself together and support my husband, respect his family in their grief and just quietly get on with caring for my baby and learning to breastfeed and adjusting to waking often overnight and all the other things that come with first time motherhood.
The one time I let go was at my beloved grandfather’s funeral just four weeks later, where I wept and wept out of exhaustion and grief and disappointment and shock at just how unfair the world could be. I remember my Grandma saying to me she knew I was crying for so much more than my Grandpa and that I was strong and would be okay.
I was strong, I come from a line of strong women, and it was mostly okay. In fact that became like a mission for me. So many people told me what a great Mum I was and how relaxed a baby my son was and it felt like the world rewarded me over and over again for sucking it up and staying in control and taking on lots of extra things. I started my first business when that baby was 9 months old and since that time I have always worked from home in some capacity, along with raising my four children and managing a household. I was eternally busy, sometimes stressed, often happy, occasionally terrified and always aware that I needed to look in control, on top of things and like the superwoman I thought I needed to be.
The problem with trying to maintain a perception that may not be reflected in the everyday reality is that when crisis occurs the facade slowly crumbles leaving nothing but the bare truth in its wake.
And the truth is that having faced extreme emotional trauma, fear and stress at the violent collapse of my marriage I have hidden behind busy-ness and my training load and even my children. I’ve done what I have ALWAYS done since those very first days of parenthood, focusing on doing things that would make me appear strong and resilient instead of doing things that would make me BE strong and resilient.
All of this is a very long way of telling you that Operation Move, this beautiful community turned business that I love so much, is not where I can spend my energy any more.
I can’t pretend that recovery is just a side note to the rest of my life any more. It needs my full attention, as do my children.
I need to let OpMove go so that I can find myself again.
There have been so many tears as you can imagine. The best thing is that I am handing this enterprise to the person who I trust most in the world… the one person who loves it as much as I do and who knows what it means for me to walk away. We’re both pretty heartbroken truth be told, but I know that with Zoey at the helm Operation Move will grow and flourish and be everything we dreamed it would be.
I’ll still be managing the Elite virtual training memberships and I will absolutely be out there repping OpMove at running events and flying the flag high for our community whenever I can, but I’ll be doing it as a community member not a director of the business.
I am so grateful for everything Operation Move has given me; the confidence and strength to change my life forever, the understanding that I could do impossible things be they physical or emotional, a beautiful community for support, inspiration and friendship.
My one wish is that you take full advantage of what our community and our courses can offer you. Zoey is an incredibly dedicated coach and I’ll still be hanging out in Far & Fast enjoying the benefits of her knowledge and wisdom. She and our business manager Kate are going to do amazing things with Operation Move, and I will forever be so proud that the initial idea grew from a blog post long ago when my life was so different.
It’s closing time for me but I’ll still be microblogging at my Facebook page if you’d like to stay in touch over there, and you’ll see me in the Operation Move community group just hanging out with the people I love so much.
Thankyou for your love and support. Thankyou for believing in Operation Move and making it part of your life too. Thankyou for seeing me through the hardest days of my life, and thankyou for letting me go.
I love you. I’ll see you around.